Everything sublime is as difficult as it is rare. Baruch Spinoza

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Life In The Slow Lane, Or Why I'm Not Let Out Much

I'm not overweight.  I'm just nine inches too short.
~Shelley Winters

So, I went to the Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis on Monday evening for dinner and a concert. I spend my life on a farm, in a barn so the wardrobe is limited. And that is being charitable. Being the prepared individual that I am I decided Monday morning that I should try on my 'good clothes' because somehow 25 lbs found me this winter. If someone out there lost them, I found them and you may have them back. OK, back to point. No way, think stuffing a sausage.

Well now, seeing as I am a calm and prepared person, I didn't panic. I had a couple of hours free in my day to buy something for my excursion to the big city, where I would actually be placed among a herd of humans.

Has anyone else noticed how ugly clothing has become? What's with pant legs that are so wide three sets of legs could fit into one? I am short & fat. Wide pant legs make me look like a clown, they are not, as we are so often told by skinny fashion designers, slimming. Take my word for it. They're not.

I have developed a weird shape. Let's call it The Golden Delicious Apple Shape. Round at the top and tapering . Somewhere along the way I look like I ate the whole thing and it settles around my middle. This does not make for easy clothes fitting for a short person. It is assumed if you buy my size that you are six feet tall. A whole other pair of pants could be made from what puddles around my feet. It is also assumed, perhaps correctly as I look odd, that if you wear this size, you have the butt and thighs to go along with it. I don't. So I have sagging butt and bagging thighs in my couture.

My tortured brain is spinning after several trips to the dressing room. Mostly from having a panoramic view of what has become my body. Crap. Back to point. I need to walk through the maternity clothes each time I trek to the dressing room. I think, pregnant women have big bellies, but it isn't assumed everything else is as big as their gut. Hmmmm, I think I'm onto something.

I find a nice pair of slacks that are just wide-legged instead of WIDE-LEGGED and make my way once again to the torture chamber disguised as a dressing room. Voila, success. They feel a little big, but I'm tired of this merry-go-round and call it good.

So the time to leave approaches, and being the prepared person I am, I start to dress. I have a puddle of pant leg on the floor. I don't remember this from the dressing room. I guess I was so thrilled with the upper part of the equation I neglected to look down. I have a whole five minutes, no problem. Off they come and I do a quick slip stitch hem and hope they aren't too obviously off from one leg to the other. Perfect!

We take the drive into town, park and get out to walk over to the theatre. Something is amiss. My pants want to fall down. Not too bad, but they are slipping. I manage to make it to the restaurant and my seat without losing my drawers. 

Time to get to our seats in the theatre. By now I am feverishly trying to keep my pants up as I attempt to retain some semblance of dignity. Did I mention they felt a little loose when I tried them on? It seems the fabric has 'give' and every time I sat, it gave. A lot. During the break I learned a new walk. Hands in pockets, firmly pulling upward as you move along stiff-legged. Kept my pants up. I looked like a penguin.

Lesson learned? I need to stay on the farm, away from civilized company. I really do.


  1. OMG, you are too funny! I have the exact same problem with finding clothes.I have been for weeks trying to find something to wear for my niece's wedding which is in a few weeks, with no luck! I have tried things on that I had no idea how to get out of and was fearful I would have to actually call for help! I will continue on this mission today, UGH!

  2. I am definitely ROFLMAO! I haven't bought a pair of pants in...I can't tell you how long. Let's just call it the joy of living in a small town where NO ONE gives a rats patootie what you wear and most of the time, what I do wear entails a pair of Carhart overalls...covers a plethora of spread and worn out pants. Fortunately...the worn out ones had "stretch" way back when and are now no longer "stretch" but "stretched to the point of no return". Works for me! The "menopause spread" enables my pants to become low rise...(so fashionable these days)...only because I can't button them much less get the zipper up all the way. Ain't age a bitch?

  3. Age is worse than a bitch, but my image as a reasonable person would be sorely tested if I put into print what I really think of age.

    If I had to dress for a wedding at this point, I think I'd just put on my robe a slippers and get my crazy old lady act well rehearsed. : )

  4. I'm definitely going for crazy old lady. My figure was always hard to fit but something really odd has happened to it recently & I just want to ditch the whole outfit 'cause at this point my brain is the only bit of me I still recognize! This is why I almost never leave the island & why every time Ditz has a concert I go into meltdown because it means I have to find something suitable to wear. Not only do I not own anything suitable I hate shopping, especially for clothing, & there is never anything anyway so I go looking odder than odd. I can live with odd. It's everyone else has a problem.

    I laughed so hard reading this! What I think of age is unrepeatable in polite society.

  5. We can form the Crazy Old Lady Society. It's the only benefit I have found to aging, people often give me a lot of space when I am out in public. But that may be the smell that I can't seem to wash off, no matter how hard I try. ; )

  6. You girl are funny ! ha!

    go for a dress next time - I know it is kind of girly but, hey they hang, they can cover everything - looks great when paired with a necklace and no falling down going on. Just make sure it is long and you can skip the pantyhose, because my gut couldn't handle the stitch in it from that story!

  7. Jules, and this is the honest to god truth. I have not had a dress or skirt on since the late 1980's. Nor shorts. My legs have not seen light in a very long time. I can't wear normal shoes, my feet are wreaked. So I can see it now, short round me in a long dress kind of thing with boots. Or those Converse tennis shoes I bought last month. Stylish. : ) Now I'm laughing!

  8. I'm with Jules, go with a dress or skirt...way easier! Too funny! Thanks for visiting me!

  9. Trust me I haven't lost 25lbs, so they haven been set to you from Oz.

    I live in the city and still have troulbe with fashion. I don't seem to like much in the shops this season. So I wont be a trend setter this year.

    I love you can see the lighter side of it all.

  10. Damn, I was hoping someone would claim those 25 lbs!
    I think it's about as unlikely to see me in a dress as it is to see me in a bathing suit. I don't have a dress personality. It would be easier, but I'd find a place to hide and stay there.
    When you have the life I lead and the mishaps that seem to follow me around like a shadow, you had better be able to view it with humor, because we have a lot of water with bridges over it in MN. ; )

  11. THis is too funny! I know that I have mentioned how much I HATE shopping. You think it's hard to shop because you are short? Try shopping if you are 5'11"! These clothes do not exist for a woman. Everything looks like I have arrived from a flood, or else the sleeves are all 3/4 length (although they aren't meant to be, of course). Bad, bad, bad. I live in sweats.

  12. You had me in stitches with this post!


I really appreciate the concept and sentiment behind awards, but I cannot participate in them anymore. I have too may and I have not got the time to devote to participating properly. To all who have honored me, I am grateful but I don't have seven more things to tell anyone about myself! And I'm a terrible passer-oner.