Everything sublime is as difficult as it is rare. Baruch Spinoza

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Conflict Of My Nature

I need to take the time to smell the roses. 


I lead a very busy life, much of it self-imposed. Rarely do I sit down and enjoy the moment, it's always something needing doing. Does it matter, does it really need to be done. Or can it wait. I missed a graduation party yesterday because I had my husbands attention for some work. Now in my defense, I don't often get him to pitch in and help. He is very resistant to my charms. And I did get some much needed things done. Then I look on facebook this morning and see the photos of all of the fun and I realize once again I missed a moment.


How many of these moments have I missed? A lot. I can't go, I have to take care of the horses. I need to get the barn cleaned. I am swamped with work because it's spring. You know fall is a really busy time for me. These are my common phrases. Slide right out of my mouth. 



I know how it started. There was a time when I had so many horses to care for I really could not alter my routine. I had to stay on track if I were to keep order. After awhile it became habit. It became more work than pleasure to take the time to do something besides work. What got put off today has to be made up tomorrow. Mark was gone a lot and so the whole of the place was on my shoulders. I was younger, but it was a lot. I was so absorbed in my obsession that it didn't seem abnormal to me. Well, mostly. Once in awhile I would realize the insanity, but I did not look too long or too closely at it.


My life is easier now, but the habit is still there. Along with a tendency toward reclusiveness. So the next time someone asks me to do something, I will stifle the urge to say "I'd like to, but I can't. I'm too busy." At least I hope I will. Time is flying by me and I realize my stay here is not infinite. I don't think I want my life remembered only for the fact that I am a hard worker. I would like people remembering me to also reminisce about my sense of humor and my generous spirit. Who can know this about me if I stay home? No one.

13 comments:

  1. There is a big pull that goes on between what we 'need' to do and 'would like' to do ... It's satisfying to find our way of incorporating both.

    I'm sure your family knows about your sense of humour and generous nature - and, of course, your horses! And then, there are your readers ... we know and appreciate.

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  2. I have recluse tendencies. I am out in the world mostly due to the kids activities etc . And it is a good good thing. Sometimes it drains me mentally maybe?
    More than reading, or scraping moss out from between patio stones, etc.

    I don't have the always daunting never completed life on a farm, but I walk away from dishes and laundry. I agree with you. I don't want to be remembered as just a hard worker.

    I'm rooting for you in this.

    love the pictures!

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  3. I used to be soooooooo busy all the time. Then it all caught up with me and I ran away to dirtville, to live recluse this reclusive life.

    Now there are no roses to stop and smell and my family is a bazillion miles away.

    Something tells me, Sandra, when you do go somewhere you are remembered.

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  4. Ah, but your work IS beautiful. I hope you can get "out" and enjoy things other than work, though --

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  5. I would *like* to be reclusive but there's still the kids & when I do go out complete strangers feel free to drop their loads on my shoulders & if there's a nutter out there I always, always get them. My daughter tells me I have an open & sympathetic face! She jokes. She gets them too. I suspect I may be better at taking a moment to enjoy our island beauty ~ but only because I cease to function completely if my life spins too far out of control. I need my quiet times. I think if I ever get to the States you will take a moment to show me your garden & your horses & display your wit & generosity of spirit. Now there's a moment I would cherish every second of.

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  6. Your post resonated with me, as I always feel I have too much to do to go out and have fun, and I fight the recluse urge more each year. I'm trying to find balance, maintain my friendships and have some fun now and then, but I've yet to get it right. I'm learning it's key to pick the right events to go to, as some drain me more than others, particularly those requiring a lot of small talk and idle chit chat. I'm just awful at it. Good luck to you getting out and socializing more, you deserve some fun.

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  7. Bonnie, I have yet to find the way to do both. Thank you for appreciating me!

    deb, it becomes too easy to stay home. I'm not a shy person, but I am not opposed to my own company either. : ) Kids have a way of making you get up and out.

    gsc, I don't think I will run off to dirtville, but I see the point. If for no other reason I think I am remembered for the sweet smell of horse!

    Elizabeth, thank you! I am going to have company this month and next, so at least I will be doing something fun, if not off the place.

    Ganeida, you have a whirlwind of a daughter. No chance for a quiet life with a book! If you get to the states, I will gladly take the time.

    Mel, I do so understand. Maintaining friendships is a real struggle. Keep trying.

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  8. Funny, I just wrote about the same thing yesterday. Maybe it's the ease of summer that brings busy-ness to our attention.

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  9. I am a recluse in so many ways! My sharing comes mostly through my writing and visiting blogs. When my energy is low sitting with my laptop is like medicine, I try to convince myself that I am doing something.

    When a bit of energy comes along, I go out and do things. This past Saturday we had a tiny bit of sunshine and out we went into what we pretentiously call "the orchard". Wrapped the raised beds where the tomatoes were shaking, not shivering cold with plastic and created a pseudo green house for them. June in Oregon and we don't have a single sweetpea in bloom, everything has been marred by blackspot and today I told Matthew to prune all the roses in the garden, and I came inside and I cried. June! I told Barry that in 2010 Summer came this past Saturday and now is gone.

    Go out girl, do something nice for yourself. I will try to do the same.

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  10. Sandra, you have such a wonderful knack of putting words together into thoughts that we can relate to. I find myself thinking, "YES, that is exactly how I feel!"

    We would have loved to have been graced with your presence, but all is understood. Understood too well, I might add. Jaime says "hi".

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  11. Hi Sandra! First of all, I adore your header... what a gorgeouos photo.

    I think your thoughts in this post are spot on. Sometimes people have gotten too busy to realise they are too busy, until it's too late. (mouth full I know). It is good to re-evaluate our schedules and to remember to take time out and 'smell the roses'.

    I have seasons of being slightly reclusive, whilst other times, I crave people and good fellowship. Often when I feel reclusive, but push myself to attend something I'd rather not at the time, I have been blessed by a most wonderful time.

    Amanda,
    www.amandassecretgarden.com

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  12. Breathe.......come up for air and just breathe.

    Learn to take care of you first.

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  13. Fragrant Muse, Great minds and all that. Thanks for visiting.

    Allegra, I feel so bad about the roses. My 'Allegra' rose and some others will be shipped 6/14. I can hardly wait. Mme Hardy is blooming like crazy, she has been with me for 16 years. She's the last of the roses I planted when we first moved here. I thought she was a goner last year, but she's back and then some!

    I will get out to the bank today!

    Jean, I know if anyone understands, it would be you. )To those who don't know, my friend Jean is a horse trainer/breeder/lesson-giver who runs a large operation mostly alone).

    I wish I had been there, but as my mother always said "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride".

    Amanda, thanks for visiting. It is too easy to just stay home. The thing is, I have grey hair and age on me, so I need to look a little more closely at what I am doing. I don't have as much time left to make it right.

    go, your advise is wise and if I had any sense at all, I would take it. : )

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I really appreciate the concept and sentiment behind awards, but I cannot participate in them anymore. I have too may and I have not got the time to devote to participating properly. To all who have honored me, I am grateful but I don't have seven more things to tell anyone about myself! And I'm a terrible passer-oner.