Mark says he has alley cat charm.

I had an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner yesterday. She was very kind, spent a lot of time with me and it all resulted in nothing. I have become acutely aware of the limits of modern medicine. These limitations were highlighted in a book recommended to me by pixie, "The Invisible Kingdom" by Meghan O ' Rourke. It is worth reading. I also listened to an excellent program on NPR a couple of weeks ago; practitioners and patients talking about the inequities in the system where women are concerned and how everything has come down to lab reports. Puzzling over a mystery is gone from medicine. Sadly, I have become too familiar with that over three years.

I finally experienced what I have read happens when they don't have an easy answer; perhaps I should seek therapy. Not physical therapy. The other therapy. My response was, I feel hopeless and helpless because I am hopeless and helpless. I am because my physical body isn't working. It's not working has caused me to become inactive, not the other way around. I have purpura on my back, one knee and behind the other knee. For those who don't know what this is, like I didn't until I looked up purple blotches on skin, it's caused by small blood vessels bursting. There are also many small red blotches across my shoulders. It's the same thing, just smaller blood vessels. Purpura is a symptom not a condition. There are several conditions that cause purpura. I guess the medical info I read forgot to mention mental health as a cause of bursting blood vessels. In December about one third of my hair fell out. I have tremors mostly in my hands, but sometimes through my body. I am hampered as far as activity is concerned by extreme fatigue and profuse sweating. I did ask her why she felt it is worthy of concern that I feel depressed and hopeless, when I am unable to do much of anything and all I get is a pat on the head and told to take NSAIDs. I think it's a normal response, under the circumstances. She told me psychotherapy  would make the body issues better. OMFG. I have prescription pain meds from an injury I had but didn't need them. I'm going to use some for a couple of days to see if it helps enough for me to get some much needed housework done. I will give it a few days and then research further options. I'm not one to give up, even when I feel overwhelmed. Oh! She did say she would send my file to rheumatology to review. If they won't see me it will cost $50. If they do see me it becomes part of my treatment and insurance pays. The specialties have gatekeepers.

I am aware that trauma affects the body. I know that. I also know I am unwell and feel strongly it's not a mental issue. It's an easy out when a condition does not advertise itself. My physical abilities are worsening, whatever is wrong is progressive. A year ago I cleaned up our basement, painted a wall in the kitchen and kept the house clean.  I was able to do some yard work. All while feeling pain, but I could do it. Now I can barely cross a room. I must say this....I have never, ever been so thoroughly dismissed in my rather long life. It still stuns me.