Everything sublime is as difficult as it is rare. Baruch Spinoza

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Contemplation

My mother. Kate.


 The MotherBeast

Today is her birthday. She was eighty-three in this photo. She had been telling me she always wanted to take a day cruise on the St. Croix River, so I booked one for us. That day she was gracious  and happy. She had told me a couple of years earlier how she wanted to tour New England in autumn, that now she had no one to go with. I looked at bus tours, I didn't want to drive there, and found a luxury tour. Comfortable bus, everything would be done for you. All you had to do is show up. It was expensive, but hassle-free, which was necessary because she was not. Hassle-free, that is. I told her I would book it and pay for it if she wanted to go. You'd have thought I was offering her a shot of arsenic. She did not want to go with me. I did not book the tour.

Kate had a personality disorder. I knew something was wrong with her, seemingly my whole life. Face to the public, what you see in the photo above. Inside the walls of her house; mean, demeaning, raging beast. I was groomed to take "care" of her. I never stopped trying to please her, all the while despising her. It's messed up, but that is what continuous  abuse does to a person. My father moved my grandma, Kate's mother, into our house when I was about ten. This is what saved me, having grandma around, which curbed Kate to a degree. Grandma was gone often, to stay with a friend, so it wasn't all sunshine and roses. 

On the outside, I was the privileged kid. I had a horse, I had skiing lessons, nice clothes and vacations. It was very important to Kate that she be seen as the kindest, most generous of mothers. I would have been better off poor but loved. She sent me to a finishing school over the summer when I was 14. Then she berated me for thinking I was so superior because I knew things she didn't. I did not ask to go there, what 14 year old wants to spend her summer learning the proper placement of cutlery? It was all about how Kate was seen from the outside. 

I have a younger brother. Kate doted on him, having a son was the crown jewel. The doting was perhaps more toxic than the disdain she showed me. He separated from the family twenty-nine years ago. I have no idea where or how he is. Separation was what we knew. By the time I was eleven all family on both sides disappeared from our lives. The exception was my grandma, who lived with us, and a cousin, the daughter of grandma's oldest child. Kate's niece, eleven years older than me. Grandma and Marie were my cushions. I finally stopped talking to her, something I did every day since my father died in 2010. She finally put me over the edge. I told her I was done, I wouldn't have her warping reality anymore. She said fine, hung up and that was that. This was eight months before she died.

Kate died May 4th, 2020. Peacefully, sitting in her rocker. It appears she died in her sleep. I'm glad it was an easy death. It's been a process and I know I will never have her out of my head, but having the knowledge she's actually gone and can't hurt me or my son anymore has helped. My son has become more interactive with us in the last couple of years. She was toxic to him, as well. He told me for as long as he can remember she tore me apart in front of him. Sometimes my father would tell her to stop, but mostly he protected himself.

Families are complex. What you see isn't necessarily what is there. Mothers are not sainted because they give birth. Fathers can be cowardly. Siblings can be set against one-another. You never outgrow abuse, you learn to deal with it. My brother was better off getting away from it, but if he hasn't looked it in the face and worked through what she did to him, he is still very damaged. I am getting there. I don't forget she is dead anymore. I don't dream of her raging in my face anymore. Small but useful steps.


18 comments:

Pixie said...

I had left a comment on your previous post but I must not have hit publish. Sigh.

It's shocking how much damage parents do to their children, including myself sadly. I know better now though and I do better.

It must have been awful having her for a mom. My mom was far from perfect but she was kind and loving to all of us.

Sandra said...

Pixie, you comment was in spam. I know too many damaged people, damaged by parental abuse. My father owns some of this, he looked out only for himself. My brother was turned into a mommy's boy and my father held him in contempt because of it. I called her motherbeast for ever, not to her face, god help if I had. She was a mommy dearest.

Boud said...

So sad reading this. Yes, families look different from outside. Marriages work that way, too. Outsiders don't know the daily reality.

Val Ewing said...

It is so good that you can say this and write about it.

For many of the same reasons you mentioned, I cut off my mom for the second time a few years ago. The only was I could get over trying to please the person who I've never pleased was to just stop.

She will be 89 next month.
Mom was so good at pitting us kids against each other. I haven't seen or talked to her in 7 years. Our last stretch was 12 years and we saw each other for a bit. I don't know if I'll ever see her again.

But I really don't miss her at all.

Sandra said...

Boud, so true. How many "perfect" marriages are horror shows?

Sandra said...

I know it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. They can be uncomfortable. People like you or I earned a right to speak. Good for you on getting away. I just couldn't do it until the end, and that is sad.

marlane said...

Wow I am so sorry that you had to have a mother who did not support you. We never get over that sort of thing. This year my husband and I both "lost " our mothers. His aged 104 and mine 92. We had not been speaking to them for many years, need I say more.

Lori Skoog said...

I'm with Val. It's so important that you can let this out by writing bout it. Has to be therapeutic in so many ways. Although I don't really know you, I totally respect the strength you have as you deal with so many different things. Your Mom had to have had a huge impact on your health, and now that some time has passed I hope you can get back to feeling whole and free. Mark is such a rock for you. Keep writing...I love the way you express yourself.

Ami said...

So many people say dumb things like 'you need to forgive'. That negates your feelings. And it's a stupid thing to say. Certainly not helpful.

What you really need is to feel however you feel and allow yourself to do that as much as you need to for as long as you need to.

I'm sorry your mom didn't treasure you. You deserved better.

Sandra said...

marlane, no need to say more. I've found that my situation is not rare. It's just unspoken.

Sandra said...

Thank you, Lori. Yes, throughout my life she impacted my health. I used to become physically ill on holidays. Those were bad.With age has come some wisdom, I have a much greater understanding of myself.

Sandra said...

You nailed it, Ami. There are personality disorders. There are narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. They exist and they are mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles and children.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Sometimes I wonder why God wastes perfectly good children on such bad parents. I am so sorry that you had such a bad Mom. It is good to get it all out...I read or maybe heard once where you have to let that inner child that was hurt so many times out so she can heal. :)

Sandra said...

It is a wonder, isn't it Far Side. I think this is true, it has to be be out in the open and looked at. Stuffing it does not a bit of good.

Bohemian said...

Abuse in any form is damaging and how people learn to Cope and Survive it isn't always the healthiest, but one has to respect anyone whose a Survivor of Trauma. My Mom was SMI and you always know, perhaps instinctively, that something is Wrong. She was a good Nurturer in spite of her Mental Fragility and grim diagnosis, but she was unstable and often Hospitalized or frail Emotionally and even Physically. People often knew a different person than she could be to those closest to her. She became addicted to Rx Meds prescribed and often abused. Families can be complex even if there aren't illnesses causing dysfunction, often what goes on behind closed doors isn't talked about openly, there is little transparency, and so many people suffer silently or think everyone else's Reality is better. Often it's not tho', I think now that many things are discussed with more openness and less shame, embarrassment or fear of exclusion, it brings with it more compassion and understanding. Mental Illness in particular is only now becoming something that Society isn't making a Taboo Topic, tho' the 'Help' for it is still lacking and so ineffective as to be worthless. Big Hugs, this was likely a difficult Topic to Blog about so openly and honestly.

Sandra said...

I would expect such good insight from you, Dawn. One thing I have learned is there is no perfect but there is awful and so many people live/lived the awful. I find it imperative that these things are out in the open, things need to change.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

It seems that there are many seeming perfect families that are not that in reality. While, my own mother and I did not get along some of the time, I have no doubt that she loved both my brother and I, although perhaps him a bit more as he was the younger and the only son. My mother died over 8 years ago and in recent years, there have been so many times I wish she had shared more about her life and my regret was in not asking more questions.

From what you wrote, Sandra, it doesn't seem like your mother was a very sharing individual and how unfortunate for you.

Sandra said...

There is no perfect and I surely had my own shortcomings, Beatrice. My mother had sociopathy. According to the American Psychiatric Association about 15% of Americans have at least one personality disorder.